21 Jan 2025
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
-- Mark Twain
20 Jan 2025
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)
19 Jan 2025
It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
-- Philip J. Fry
18 Jan 2025
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
-- Jack Handey
17 Jan 2025
Ned... have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy
16 Jan 2025
Isn't pomo really one big cover-up for for the failure of the French to write a truly interesting novel ever since a sports car ate Albert Camus?
-- John Leonard
15 Jan 2025
People say don't give homeless people money. "They'll only spend it on booze or drugs." I think, hey, the guy's living in a box, maybe he needs a drink.
-- Jake Johannsen
14 Jan 2025
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
-- Jack Handey
13 Jan 2025
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
-- Jack Handey
12 Jan 2025
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
-- Dave Barry
11 Jan 2025
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parker
10 Jan 2025
The big thieves hang the little ones.
-- Czech Proverb
09 Jan 2025
Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman
08 Jan 2025
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
-- Jon Stewart
07 Jan 2025
I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
-- Mark Twain
06 Jan 2025
I love treason but hate a traitor.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar
05 Jan 2025
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright
04 Jan 2025
Someday, I want to go to a site that proclaims a miracle and see a real miracle, like a pie miraculously floating above my keyboard, or a MySpace page that doesn't look like technicolor vomit.
-- PZ Myers
03 Jan 2025
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
-- Jack Handey
02 Jan 2025
Mmmm, sacrilicious.
-- Homer J. Simpson
01 Jan 2025
If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
-- Vince Lombardi
31 Dec 2024
It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
30 Dec 2024
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
-- Jack Handey
29 Dec 2024
I won't say anything because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
-- Neil Pye
28 Dec 2024
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
-- Frank Zappa
27 Dec 2024
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Stephen Wright
26 Dec 2024
I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.
-- Blue Raja
25 Dec 2024
On the other hand, you have different fingers...
-- Steven Wright
24 Dec 2024
I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.
-- Isaac Asimov
23 Dec 2024
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein
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